Shrek makes infinitely more sense if you ascribe to the theory that everyone is a PC in an RPG, and Donkey’s player managed to avoid a boss battle by rolling a nat 20 to seduce the fucking dragon
“I want to be a half-ogre.”
“What? You can’t. They’ve seen your picture, and you’re a human.”
“The ogre half is at night.”
“Ok, now it’s time for the boss fight against Farquaad.”
“I have my dragon girlfriend eat Farquaad.”
“…you what?”
“I have my dragon girlfriend-”
“No, no, I heard you the first time. Look, I’m gonna roll a d20 and if it’s a 20 then the dragon will eat Farquaad.” -dice sounds-
*pinches the bridge of his nose* “Ok, so the boss is fucking dead now.”
Ever wondered about Lord Voldemort’s momsauce? Ever asked yourself, “What would Harry and Ginny name their as-of-yet-unborn fourth child?” Ever pondered who the most kidnappable Weasley was? THEN THESE FAMILY TREES (by the brillz @reidfaylor!) ARE FOR YOU. Click through to have all of your most burning questions answered—unless you want to know where in the Room of Requirement we hid that pack of Brownie Batter Oreos, in which case WE CANNOT HELP YOU, BRO.
my favorite bit in harry potter is when a gangly freckled ginger child with an old pet rat and patched jeans and dirt on his nose awkwardly sits down across from a scrawny underfed lil kid with baggy clothes and broken glasses and lightning carved onto his face and they both think ‘i must protect this boy’
With this spellbinding project, insanely talented artist @littlechmura wanted to create a self-contained moment for each of these beloved Harry Potter characters—a single scene that gives a glimpse into their own magical worlds. She’s calling the series “One Breath Each”, and we’re calling it GORGEOUS AF.
tbh the only evidence i need that harry’s a gryffindor is the fact that he kept going back to the forbidden forest after voldemort tried to kill him, aragog tried to eat him, lupin turned into a wolf and attacked him, the dementors tried to kiss him, barty crouch was murdered and turned into a bone, umbridge was kidnapped by centaurs,, boy had to die in that forest before he stopped going back
Years ago, you promised your firstborn to a witch. Since then, despite your best efforts, you can’t seem to get laid. The witch is starting to get pretty pissed.
Y’all get together to discuss your options and she starts coaching you on how to get men because she doesn’t want to waste more magic on you without promise of payment. The more time you guys spend together the more you realize you have a bit of a crush on her. Soon you’re sabotaging your dates on purpose to see her again.
Long story short you fall in love and get married and do the sperm donor thing AND YOUR FIRSTBORN IS HERS BY DEFAULT and you live happily ever after. The end.
"Suppose, for instance, that men were only represented in literature as the lovers of women, and were never the friends of men, soldiers, thinkers, dreamers; how few parts in the plays of Shakespeare could be allotted to them; how literature would suffer! We might perhaps have most of Othello; and a good deal of Antony; but no Caesar, no Brutus, no Hamlet, no Lear, no Jaques –literature would be incredibly impoverished, as indeed literature is impoverished beyond our counting by the doors that have been shut upon women."
- Virginia Woolf, A Room of One’s Own (via soracities)
